Kind of like the time capsules everyone made in junior high, the LifeCap is a tiny vessel that'll safely store something you treasure. Perhaps you made a model universe out of rice, or you have a special tuft of hair you picked up from someone during your travels. Make sure it's no bigger than two AA batteries and put it in the LifeCap, which will keep your shit safe no matter what elements life decides to throw your way.
Don't wear jewelry because it matches your outfit; wear it because it can open beer cans, slice an orange, comb your mustache, and help you dig yourself out of a jail cell. No pointless bling here. Just a nice solid, infinitely useful ring crafted out of aerospace grade titanium so that your finger can feel like the junk drawer in NASA's kitchen.
Personal Power Generator
Fuck looking for a charger or outlet every time you hear the death beep on your electronic devices. Stick this personal power generator in your pocket and get moving instead. Your own kinetic energy, generated by being an awesome human, can work up enough electricity to power up your devices. The generator includes all the necessary cables and adapters so you can plug things into it once you've pumped it full of human energy. If you're a lazy bastard, strap it to a more mobile friend.
Emergency Shot Glass Card
Stop chugging things out of the bottle, it's making you look like a sloppy drunk. Bring a little sophistication to the table with this pop-up shot glass. Great as a gift, this card contains a cut-out of a shot glass that's easy to assemble (sober). It will hold about an ounce of booze for an hour. We're guessing that ounce wouldn't last an hour if you have anything to say about it.
Classic Book Journals
It's a reading and writing adventure all in one! These classic book journals come outfitted in covers of the books you should have read before graduating high school. If instead of summer reading you did a lot of slacking and bullshitting, squint to read the micro-text that lines the pages. Write your own adventures down amongst the words of the classic greats, or just draw doodles of tits and asses like you did during English class.